i haven’t been doing too well lately. which is kind of a bad start of the year perhaps - but i digress and try not to dwell too much on that. i know i have my times where i’m doing better and times where i’m worse, and i guess right now is just one of the shittier times.
starting at my new school has been so draining, and i am trying my best to stay motivated, but it’s just so hard. i can’t seem to let go of bad habits either, which has just been making me spiral this past week. my sleeping cycle has been fucked, i keep not responding to people and thus isolating myself, i let myself consume too much media in a bad escapism way, i’m not taking care of my personal hygiene as much as i should and i don’t go outside unless i have to.
and i’m doing all these things while being aware of it happening, but just not being able to stop myself, which is so so frustrating. i have an appointment, for a psychiatric “course” i’m having, on tuesday which i’m looking forward to. i miss my old psychologist tbh, so i hope it will help with these new appointments i’m getting.

so because i’ve had such a shitty week, i haven’t gone to school but instead slept, watched a ton of youtube and played video games + doom scrolled on different social medias.
i have been watching a lot of northernlion lately, which has been fun. his long random rants/tangents and stupid bits are so good. i have been binge watching his mario party jamboree videos a lot these past few days, and they’re really entertaining. sometimes i just put it on in the background while i play video games.
i’ve begun playing yakuza 0 this week too. it’s so much fun! i love all the small side quests and all the stuff you can do. i haven’t played a fighting/action game like this in a while, but i really like it!

i also visited my dad wednesday together with my mom and brother. we got delicious pizza (i got one with cheese, chicken, thinly sliced potatoes, pancetta and pesto. it was so good bro), then we played wyrmspan (!!) which is such a fun and cool game, i love it so much. the artstyle of the game is also so beautiful.
we have played the game once before, where it took like 5 hours for us to play and we didn’t really know what we were doing. this time we had a bit better understanding of the game, but it still took us like 4 hours to finish. you don’t really feel the hours go by when playing tho! we were just having fun.
we also ate a typical danish pastry called “fastelavnsbolle”, which we eat before easter in correlation with a danish holiday. it’s basically buns with cream inside and glaze on top, but they differ a lot. ultimately very yummy pastry! so wednesday was a pretty good day, though it took a lot of energy for me to get out of bed and go visit my family. i’m glad i did though.

today i’m going to a concert with my mom and brother, which i’m a bit nervous about.
i have basically no energy today, but i do wanna go. i know that i can get overwhelmed before functions, but that it usually pans out to be okay when i’m there.
it’s a pop concert too, which is not a genre i usually listen to. but my mom really wanted to see the artist, and wanted to bring us along. so i’m just coming along because of my mother and the experience - i think it’s gonna be fun tho, i just gotta get myself together first.

anyway, hopefully next week will be better, and i’ll have more energy + motivation. hopefully i’ll be able to get up for school and maybe hangout with some friends.

i don’t have much more for this entry. hope you’re all doing okay ^^
and happy i hate sex day!

- bear

last year was many things; it was exhausting, depressing, drastic, demanding and overwhelming, but it was also filled with new beginnings, hope and a lot of support.
i dropped out of school march 2024 which was so daunting but also extremely relieving to do. i had too much on my plate and was so burned out from school and living by myself at my dorm. then i began attending a much less demanding school, but i had no friends there and the classes were too unmotivating for me. so i ended up in a very depressing cycle of not going to school and hating myself for not being able to go to school. my sleep schedule was so messed up and i couldn’t properly take care of myself. luckily some of my good friends and close family was able help me out of the gutter sometimes.
end of spring brought some good memories together with the lighter days. i went and saw adrianne lenker in may, which was such an incredible, beautiful and surreal experience. her music means so much to me, so it was so indescribable to see her play live. i hold that concert very close to my heart.
i visited my mom for her birthday too, which helped with my bedrotting and was very nice and refreshing to go to the quiet countryside for a change.
my friends and i also went to a small hardcore/punk festival that was so much fun - it was so cool to experience, but also most of all to just hang out with my friends while listening to music and moshing together.
my friends unknowingly really helped me that spring - i was in such a bad space, but to keep getting to be with them helped immensely.
then came a very busy summer of also hanging out with friends and family, drawing and travelling.
my summers tend to fly by so quickly because everyone has summer break, so i have to fit in everyone i haven’t seen in a while/want to hang out with into a couple of weeks. it was a bit exhausting not really being able to relax properly, but when i didn’t have plans for a couple of days i would end up rotting in my bed.
after one busy summer, i went back to school with hopes of actually being able to attend. that hope quickly shattered when i fell into the same shitty cycle again, and almost worse this time. i was so disappointed that i couldn’t get myself together and go to school. i wanted to get better so bad, but i just kept on laying in my bed thinking about it while still being exhausted and sad.
at some point my dorm sat me down for a meeting, and told me that they didn't think they could give me the right support, and thought we should look for a better place for me.
at that point i realized i couldn’t save myself and needed help with getting better - which made me feel sad and powerless, but also hopeful. sad and powerless that i actually couldn't get better by myself but hopeful that things would get better, and i didn't have to take all the responsibility alone.

in the beginning of october i moved back to my hometown, but at an institution for other young people with adults working there 24/7. it was similar to my old dorm, but now i didn’t have to cook food for myself, nor did I have a whole apartment i had to clean by myself. it was such a relief for me, and still is. it was still daunting though, because it was a whole new place with new faces and things i had to get used to.
the last months of the year went by quickly; i was together with my parents and brother a lot now that i was back in town, hung out with friends, had my 18th birthday and held a big party together with 2 close friends of mine, went to a lot of concerts, began working on this website, got my first tattoo, started at my new school, then came christmas and the new year.
moving was so hard, but also did so much good too. i finally have more energy to do things i want to do, i live closer to my family again so they can support me better, i don't have all this pressure on myself anymore and i am hopeful about the future.

so overall it was really hard on me mentally this year, but looking back my friends and family really made it worth it in a way. i am so grateful for them, and i am so happy that i can look back on the good memories this year and not dwell on how awful i was doing most of the time.
my hopes for 2025 is that i don’t lose myself in the bad cycles again. i know my network of people is big and strong, but i also have to keep in contact with people for it to stay that way. so i also hope that i can become better at taking initiative in the new year and hang out with more people more often.
i would also love to stop with the constant distractions i give myself, and instead create and learn. i hope that i can gain energy and motivation to start creating more again. i want to draw, paint and sew again. i want to read and write. i want to stop wasting my time on my phone and start embracing the creativity i know is inside me. there is a lot of things i want to accomplish in 2025. though some are more ambitious, and some are more straightforward and achievable. for example i am planning on getting a big stomach tattoo in the beginning of february and angel fangs in march. i also have a dream of stopping using spotify and only using bandcamp and cd’s. and another dream is to begin working out. i think it’d be good for my health, both mental and physical, and i think it’d be great for gender euphoria.
one thing i'm certain about, is that i'll keep working on this website. it has been such a big fixation and inspiration for me these past months. it is one of those things that help my creativity flow atm. i have so much i want to do with it, and i hope i will achieve that.

anyway, i could go on about what i hope 2025 will be for a while, but i think i will end it here. this entry is already very lengthy, so thank you if you read all the way!

i hope all of you will get the 2025 you want, and i wish you all the best ^^ :]

happy new year!

- bear

today we celebrate christmas in denmark! (and in the other nordic countries). every other year we celebrate just me, my big brother and our divorced parents - and then every other year we celebrate with my mother’s cousin, her children, ex husband and sometimes parents together with my mom’s mom and boyfriend.
this year it’s just us :]

my mom has recently moved off to an island 4-5 hours away, so my brother, dad and i went all the way over here to visit my mom and so we could celebrate christmas together. i got up here a couple of days earlier than the others, so i could spend some more time with my mom and relax a bit before the others came.
right now i’m laying on the sofa while my chef of a brother (literally) has begun cooking classic danish christmas food, while my mom is helping and going around preparing and my dad is wrapping in presents soon to help my brother with food too.
we have just arrived home from a long walk in a lovely valley close by. it was steep, with a stream running through and a waterfall at the end.
there were big mossy rocks everywhere, lots of different trees either standing tall, falling or embracing each other.
it was such a beautiful view, even though it was cold and wet. i sometimes forget how much i love walking in nature - it’s one of the things i hope to do more of in the coming year.

we don’t have a classic christmas tree this year, my mom thought we could go a bit more abstract and use one of her big potted plants.
i love that that’s normal for our family, and that it’s just how we like it.
my brother and i also went big with christmas gifts for our parents this year. i had been stressing SO much about it, because i hadn’t bought anything and wasn’t sure of what to do. but luckily my brother had a day off, so we went christmas shopping last week. i’ll maybe do a lil after christmas blog entry too and show what i got :]

i’ll go help my family with the christmas food now. i hope you’re all doing okay this winter time, and happy holidays!

- bear

today i went to the coast to walk along the local harbour. it was so windy that it eerily howled by the boats and that my head hurt by the end of the walk.
but i have been laying in bed the past two days and not really stepping outside, so it was really good to get some fresh air and move my body for a change.
when i got home i warmed some milk so i could make hot chocolate, and then i put on "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind", which is one of my absolute favourite movies.
it was really nice to do something nice for myself - i feel like i’ve had a lot of days recently where i’ve just gotten too much in my own head and not done anything pleasurable. or i have been doing stuff i technically enjoy, but in a way where i haven’t really felt that great while doing it, which has been a bit odd.

these past few weeks has gone by so quickly too imo. one week i’m laying in bed and another i’m having plans every day. it’s so hard to balance not doing enough and doing too much.
so i’ve been very exhausted lately (but that’s not really something new tbh). i’ve also had fun though, it’s not that - i’ve been to a lot of concerts, hung out a bit with friends and family and tended to some of my hobbies! i just tend to accidentally plan things too much at a time, so i get so tired when i’m done and end up taking multiple days to recover my energy.

a kinda bigger life update is that i’m starting at my new school on monday - which has been a bit daunting for me to think about. the process of getting a “green card” to start has been taking much longer than what it should have though, because apparently my application papers didn’t go through, however it finally did. thankfully i only have two weeks of school before the christmas break begins.
so i get a bit of a taste of how it is to attend school again, before getting a break and then going back to it in the new year.
i’m a bit worried of how it’s gonna go though, since i’ve been so depleted of energy for a long while, that i don’t know if i can go back to school without experiencing burnout again.
i will be starting out with a decreased amount of school days, which hopefully helps.
so, wish me luck!

also: i’ve been wanting to update my site with texts and begin posting blog entries, but every time i try to write i feel like it’s “not good enough”, which is so weird, because this site is literally just for me to dump out things about me and my interests - so i’ve been kinda frustrated with myself because of that.
hopefully i can get a bit away from that negative mindset and just post stuff, even though the back of my mind says it’s messy,
worded weirdly or not good enough. my personal irl journal is like that though; messy, worded weirdly and all over the place with different tangents,
so i don’t know why i want this blog to be different when this is just my thoughts too and how my mind works in general. but i know that i feel this way because this is public, yet i also want to feel like that’s okay.
i really gotta get better at being more vulnerable - a big part of me is so caught up in not wanting people to know what i actually think and feel and how my thought processes are.

but on another more positive note; i’m so happy with how the site is getting along! i’m slowly but surely getting around to making the pages i want to make and improving things here and there. working on the site has also motivated me to be more creative again, which you can see by the art i’ve made and put in :]
i’ve been really hyper-focused on the site in general, which has been really awesome tbh, it’s been so much fun and can’t wait to work further on it! i have so much stuff planned out :3

with that i will be concluding my very first blog entry! this got a bit long, but that's how it goes when i have a lot on my mind.
hopefully i will be better at writing more without any self-judgement tho

- bear